|author||brian m. carlson <email@example.com>||2010-12-18 19:35:07 +0000|
|committer||brian m. carlson <firstname.lastname@example.org>||2010-12-18 19:35:07 +0000|
wonderer: clean up and tighten language.
Now that I'm less resistant to killing poor, innocent prepositional phrases, get rid of as many as possible and do some serious tightening of the language. Signed-off-by: brian m. carlson <email@example.com>
Diffstat (limited to 'aoif')
1 files changed, 16 insertions, 16 deletions
diff --git a/aoif/wonderer.dbx b/aoif/wonderer.dbx
index bc22f43..c2edfcd 100644
@@ -5,26 +5,26 @@
- <literallayout xml:space="preserve" class="normal">The cold wind blows across the top of the hill
-and dead brown grasses crunch beneath footsteps
-as he walks down to the bayou.
+ <literallayout xml:space="preserve" class="normal">The cold wind blows across the hilltop,
+dead brown grasses crunch beneath footsteps;
+he walks down to the bayou
-The bayou that always has too much or not enough
-as it wends its way through forbidding concrete walls,
-walls that have been painted in pale blues and stark whites
-by people claiming ownership of this place.
+that always has too much or not enough
+it wends its way through forbidding concrete walls
+painted pale blues, stark whites
+by people claiming ownership here.
-As he walks to the edge, he sees the water darting over stones,
-the light glancing off them in speckled splendor.
-He dips his hand in and feels the coolness of water in wintertime,
-stones worn smooth by years of droplets dancing over them,
+He walks to the edge, sees water darting over stones,
+the light's speckled splendor glancing off them.
+He dips his hand in, feels water's coolness,
+stones worn smooth by years of dancing droplets,
a reprieve from the warmth of the sun.
Pulling off his beat-up Converse, he walks in bare feet
-downstream, to where some artful engineer discovered
-how to make a bayou babble as it rushes in and out of divots.
+downstream, where some artful engineer discovered
+how to make a bayou babble in and out of divots.
-Unimpressed, he sits on the bank, and washes his feet in the bliss
-of the water, drops rushing up to kiss the cuffs of his jeans,
-listening to the endless chatter, wondering.</literallayout>
+Unimpressed, he sits on the bank, washes his feet in bliss
+and water, and drops rush to kiss the cuffs of his jeans.
+He listens to the endless chatter, wondering.</literallayout>